By Erika Schwartz
Sex is huge.
We use sex to feel good about ourselves, to feel popular and strong. We use sex to get close and develop intimate relationships. We use sex to feel love and give love. We use sex for its enormous power, as a weapon or become its victims.
Sex is the most influential body function. You can use it to bring you closer as a couple or you can use it to destroy your self-esteem your self-confidence and your life too. So, unless you figure out your personal truth you won’t know how to steer the sex and intimacy ocean liner that is your life towards sunny shores.
Take the time to figure this out. Don’t try during the heady moments of passion and sex.
Do it before and after, in the peaceful moments of reflection and sanity.
What is personal truth?
To me, it’s figuring out what I really want:
“I want to be in a relationship with a man who is going to adore me and pay attention to me and my stories. I don’t want him involved in drama, but I want him involved. I want him to care. I don’t want him to follow me around all the time. I need lots of space. I want him there when I want him. I want him to love, to have sex with me and make me feel loved and desired. And I want him to be kind.”
It has taken me more than 30 years to figure out the details of my personal truth about sexual relationships. It took me so long because time passes very quickly and to focus on my own needs is the last thing I’ve had time to do. If we knew what we really wanted from our sexual relationships, our lives would be much easier, less dramatic and more intimate.
So here’s what you can do to help get to your personal truth without having to wait 30 years:
1. Work on your self-confidence. Only hear positives and discard negatives- people, statements, social media interactions. Don’t be self-critical. Don’t compare. You are unique and you are beautiful. Be honest, but not harsh.
2. No matter how difficult, address your own behavior- honestly. Make sure you own your actions. Don’t blame and don’t assume you are always right. Those who own their mistakes, find their truth faster.
3. Be intimate if you want intimacy. If you feel good about yourself and you are honest intimacy comes naturally. Relationships are better and deeper and sex is the cherry on your life’s cake.
4. Pay attention to how your partner responds to your honesty and openness. If he/she doesn’t reciprocate at the same level and leaves you frustrated and disappointed, don’t waste your time. Move on. There are plenty of fish in the ocean.
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Erika Schwartz, MD, is a renowned healthcare pioneer and a key opinion leader in the field of prevention, hormones, and concierge medicine. She is also the author of “The Intimacy Solution: Life Lessons in Sex and Love,” which explores how individual sexuality takes shape and changes over the course of the various ages and phases of life.